Nov. 13, 2008 – Panchakarma – Day 21 – Another AHA!
First of all, just a word on the weather. Today was the first day that there was a real chill in the air this morning, and now, at 5 in the afternoon as well. Not just a cooling off, but a chill. And the day was hazy all day, the sun shining out dimly from behind the haze, the mountains barely visible except as a grey shape in the distance. I have a feeling, from my past experience here, that sometime in the next few days it might rain. Time will tell.
Another water enema day…getting easier all the time. But still means a day for resting all day, which is good, as I have lots of writing to catch up on and also need to focus inward. I am feeling very light of spirit, happy, content, at peace. And the new discovery of this morning has made feel even happier. Joy and happiness have been alluding me for years now. I consider myself a happy person, but I never seem to get a real grip on true happiness and joy…and perhaps the insights of the past couple of weeks will bring me closer to the genuine feeling of joy and happiness in my life.
And so…to the AHA of this morning.
Yesterday evening a passing remark by my friend Einat struck a cord, but at the time I made no connection with my own life. It wasn’t until waking this morning with a start at 5:30 that I realized why her remark was so profound for me. She simply had said that she has found a new sense of
family due to recent events in her life, and this idea of feeling “part of” something is what sparked my inner self into contemplation…even though I was asleep all night and had no way of knowing this.
I’ve always felt different, out pf place, a stranger, from the time I was a child. Even in my own family, I felt like an outsider and certainly in my peer group. I never had the feeling of belong. I have been searching for tribal identity my entire life and this caused me to do many things in search of this identity. Of course, at the time I had no idea that this was the reason for me doing the things I did, but it all comes clear to me now. The murky waters mentioned in an earlier post are becoming clearer and clearer from day to day!
Just an aside: I’ve been working over the past year or more with Caroline Myss’ book “Anatomy of the Spirit”, but never seemed to be able to get past the first chakra. The is the chakra which deals with survival and tribal power…the sense of belonging. Without a firm foundation in this chakra, no person can truly have balance in all other parts of his life and continued development. It is like trying to build a house without an foundation. So, having been trapped in this place for so long and trying to work things through, it is no wonder that one of the insights resulting from the panchakarma, should deal with these issues.
One of the first “weird” things I did in my life, was to become an observant Jew at the age of 14. Something which is very popular today but almost unheard of then. In Hebrew it is called “chazarah b’tshuva” which loosely translated means a “coming back to the fold”. And for the first time in my life a felt “belonging to” a group of like-minded teenagers and young adults, and several years later “married into” this group to further enhance the feeling but very soon realized I didn’t belong there either. I still had a false sense of identity. I had however, at that point, with a growing family, no real choice but to remain for many many years and fit in as best as possible. But I never felt really at home and certainly was not brought any closer to God by my decision. Quite the opposite – the more “religious” I became, the further away from my soul and God I found myself.
At one point, in my continued search for “family”, “group”, “tribe”, I joined La Leche League (a group of women giving support and information to breastfeeding moms – and founded in the States). Eventually, after arriving in Israel, I founded, quite unintentionally, La Leche League of Israel and actually became a kind of “guru” for this new family. I was content there for many years, until I once again realized this was a false identity built upon something I perceived myself to be but was not genuine.
Even immigrating to Israel was part of this search for identity. Although born and raised in the States, I never felt any connection to America. And once coming to Israel and initially feeling the euphoria of being a new place where “I belonged”, I soon realized that once again I was a stranger, different. So, with my poor family, I began looking for the “right” place to live. We lived in a village, moved to a settlement in the Gaza Strip, and again, initially, each new place gave me a new, but false feeling of identity and belonging.
It wasn’t until I began my own inward journey and finally blended with and recognized my true soul needs, that I found contentment and a true sense of belonging.
And where do I get that feeling?? The TRUE “being part of”???
Not by chance did 6 amazing people find their way into my life over the years – and since have brought many more wonderful members into this group. I have “founded” my own TRIBE. Which is my family! And the only place I truly feel that I belong. I had to reach the age of almost 62 to actually understand where my new source of contentment and tranquility comes from over the past number of years.
For the first time in my life, I find myself truly being part of a tribe – belonging.
I’VE FOUND MY PLACE.
This is why I no longer have this need to “join” groups or become part of movements or have “something to follow”. I always thought it was because I am a LONER, but the opposite is true. I need desperately to belong. – but without even being aware of it – I DO belong, and for many years now – to the group , the tribe, most suitable to MY personal soul needs. My own family, which I built with the grace of God.
I am both Matriarch and beloved member, all at the same time.
I am finally “rooted” and no matter where I am, I no longer feel “out of place”