December 30, 2010 – Silent Retreat?

December 30, 2010 – Silent Retreat?

It is now my prayer and meditation time but for some reason I just had to sit down and write.  So I will let this go where it may and see if it is fit for sharing.  I have been sleeping well , better than usual even at home, but have been having very strange dreams.  Always waking up at the end of a dream, falling right back to sleep and beginning a new dream.  Like watching an endless series of TV programs one after the other – and not remembering a single one of them in the morning!  Last night, I again had a series of dreams, but each one was connected to the previous one in some way, and although I have been awake for a couple of hours doing Reiki to myself and contemplating things, I can still vividly remember the dreams, and the people in them and the essence of their content.  Many issues came up involving many stages of my life and many different people and I will be writing these down else ware, but I have been able to put together a general understanding of the things which were released, but haven’t yet figured out where they are meant to take me – perhaps later on during meditation.

What has been going on since I arrived is that I am without a phone, for various reasons beyond my control – once this issue is resolved, I will write up the story.

But I truly believe this delay in my having phone contact is part of the Divine plan for this trip.  IT is the closest I have been to a silent retreat since I actually did one a couple of years ago, with powerful results.  Even internet chatting and skype have delivered very meager results over the almost 2 weeks I have been here.  I usually “speak” to people every day, and so far, I have had one chat with a friend and spoken to 3 of my children on skype last Saturday.  The people I meet up with here are for very simple conversations about where they are from, what they are doing here, etc…and even the friend who is still here provides nothing more than interesting conversations on life in general or photography tips.

I have had no one to really talk to in over 10 days, and this has, obviously, pulled me way inside.  The way India was for me the first few times I came before so much internet usage and cellphones being available.  Really and truly being just “with me”.  So when I woke up this morning, I kind of thought, perhaps I won’t pursue the phone issue at all, and remain in retreat for awhile longer.  IT is not easy, believe me, as I so often feel like “touching” someone at home, and am not able to.

I feel so out of touch with the important issues playing themselves out right now with my family, and yet perhaps this is good.  One of the issues which came up in the dreams, was my always wanting, needing to be in the thick of things…always feeling left out if I didn’t know EVERYTHING that was happening and being part of it in someway.  I remember my mother saying to me often, as a child, when I would complain about having to be somewhere other than where the “action” was – studying or whatever it was I had to do in my room or somewhere else – “What’s the problem?  Why are you complaining? Afraid you’re gonna miss something?”  I remember this being almost a challenge to me – because YES – I DID feel like I was going to miss something and it was very insulting to me to be left out. Growing up I was always the social outsider, so wanted to at least feel included in family affairs.

 

Well, wonder of wonders – I still have the same problem today and it crops up more often than I care to admit.

To this day, I am not the most socially adept person, preferring small intimate settings to large “party” type things. And so it still comes down to my big social setting being that of family, and, the need to be included in all things.

Although I tell myself that I go to India to purposely get myself “away” from things so that I can once again move forward in my own inward journey, I still have this need to “know” everything that is going on and in some way feel involved.

So, is the lack of a telephone a message to me to get past this issue?

I know I will do my best to work out the phone problem and get it working, but will give all of the above serious consideration, and try to work it through.

OK…back to my morning stuff….

Need to still write about my motorcycle chauffeur service, my being my own chef once again, and beginning panchakarma in a few days. But that will wait for now.