February 23, 2011 – Lesson of Surrender and Release and the Feeling of Wellbeing it Brings
I had been hoping that my head cold of the past few days was, just as the doctor had said, a cleansing effect of the panchakarma, and would be over in 48 hours. But deep down inside I knew this was wishful thinking. I know myself and my body very well, and know when a full blown cold thing is happening to me. Aside from the pain from sinus congestion and the constantly running nose, the thing which is most difficult for me is the weakness and loss of appetite (meaning I will loose weight which for me is not good). I feel like I can sleep all day, and at my most energetic, read a little or play a computer game or two.
The idea is to accept this as a positive thing, rather than fight it. I know this to be true, but always find myself, at least for the first couple of days, being annoyed, angry (with who?-myself, God??), worried about what will happen if this continues for too long, etc.
I KNOW that the cleansing effect of these symptoms is a positive thing, but somehow don’t like the inconvenience of it.
And the same thing happened again here. At first I ignored the whole thing, until the head pain and weakness got so bad that I could no longer pretend nothing was wrong.
Then of course I do everything I can think of to fight the symptoms and reduce them to a minimum. Neti pot a couple of times a day, onion and honey, hot ginger, lemon, honey to drink, extra doses of Tulsi and Vitamin C, tumeric powder, maduvhanni (Ayurvedic herbal cold and cough tonic-fabulous!), breathing in steam, reflexology to the sinus points and then local sinus massage – in short and of course Reiki – the works.
Until yesterday, I was doing everything I needed to do but was still concerned about how this would effect my panchakarma and that it was inconvenient for the people involved. Yesterday, even though I was literally awake the whole night blowing my nose, I dragged myself down to the clinic, but felt so bad by the time I got there, the doctor agreed no massage, no enema and go straight home to rest “for sure you will be fine by tomorrow”.
On the way back I bought some veggies to make me some soup which was a good idea, and honey to prepare the onion and honey mixture, and literally barely made it back up to my room where I collapsed weakly into bed and there spent the rest of the day, sleeping, or just laying there, feeling sorry for myself. (but of course looking forward to feeling better by the next day)
I took some cold formula before going to sleep just to stop my nose from running and reduce the pain a little (I hate taking these meds, but really needed to sleep), and actually did sleep most of the night, if not quietly, but at least sufficiently. Woke up this morning with every intention of going to the clinic, but by the time I had “fixed” my hair, and put on my face cream, had a glass of hot ginger, I once again collapsed into bed, totally exhausted!
It was then that I realized that I was fighting, where I should be accepting. The moment that I decided to surrender the whole business to the powers that be, and release all expectations about what I SHOULD be doing and how I SHOULD be feeling, I immediately felt a sense of relief! Calm, tranquil acceptance and wellbeing.
I called the doctor on the phone, explained that I was really sick and too weak to come, and he understood immediately. Told me not to worry about the rest of the panchakarma…it would all work out, and that he was sending someone up to my room with some herbal medicine which will give me some relief as well as my kicheri!!
So now I am happily back in bed, with the hot water bottle to keep me warm (yesterday I tried sitting out in the sun and almost not making it back into bed when being overcome with weakness), I have a couple of good books to read, music to listen to, I have plenty of dates and almonds to snack on even though I don’t feel like eating, I have soup already cooked from yesterday, can order something from room service if I DO get hungry, kicheri on the way, and soon the latest episode of House will be downloaded and ready to watch! Plenty of games to play if I get bored, a comfortable bed with enough blankets to keep me warm, pillows to lean on…what more do I need?
I am thankful that I am not very ill, have no fever, no signs of flu (like body pain) and know it is something which will pass in its own time, when it has done whatever cleansing needs to be done, however long that may take.
And the weakness is returning after a few “good” minutes, so I will end this and post it later when some energy returns. Just ordered a porridge for breakfast and life is good!