Ambivalent Feelings – Hidden Blessings
Sitting in the new Pundir Restaurant I mentioned in one of my first posts this year. (Read more about this lovely shop and its lovely owners here: https://janesindiajournals.wordpress.com/2011/02/07/new-expanded-and-improved-pundir-general-store-in-tapovan/
With a view of the Ganga through the trees, gentle morning sun warming me and a cool breeze keeping me comfortable.
I have ordered my toasted brown bread and hot milk and have brought with me from home my spice blend and some jaggary for the milk, and my lovely jam for the buttered toast.
I am after a water enema, and a long nite of strange dreams. This is a yearly occurrence during the late stages of panchakarma – cleansing on deep levels. I am quite tired however, and don’t feel like moving, but quite at peace. Sometimes this deep cleansing brings up difficult issues, crying, sadness, pain, anger etc., but this time it is bringing up just deep understandings of the need for new direction, new perspectives, and new ways of seeing the next phase in my life. This of course all requires change, and that of course is always difficult. But the feelings are good ones, even a sense of excitement about what awaits me just around the corner.
It is a time for complete acceptance, for surrender, with no expectations, in joy, gratitude and freedom from fear!
I am enjoying these last days of my treatments and looking forward to the last 10 days which will remain afterwards as “vacation” time before heading home.
Mixed feelings flood me at this time…wanting to be two places at the same time.
Embracing my last days of “aloneness” together with the joy of knowing I will soon be in the arms of my dear loving partner.
Ambivalence is probably the best word for the way I feel at the moment.
My time here is too short this trip, and yet I don’t believe I could have stayed away from my love for any longer!
Being limited by technical bureaucratic reasons in the amount of time I could stay in India this year (a mere 6 weeks compared to my usual 4-6 months) , something which initially was very difficult for me to accept, has turned out to be just one more blessing from above.
And I thank God and the Universe for once again, as always, taking care of me and my needs in the best possible way!
I am truly blessed
Namaste from Rishikesh