October 8, 2015

….and this is something which challenges me each and every time anew during my time in India.

with full Acceptance, Joy, Gratitude and FREEDOM FROM FEAR!
life begins at the end

Less than two weeks have gone by and I’ve already received my first insights and wonderful, blessed understandings of what I am truly capable of, with complete Freedom for Fear in all new aspects of my life.
This has been an interesting almost two weeks…the time it usually takes me to acclimate to my home here in Rishikesh, to settle down energy wise, to regain my balance and of course recuperate from flying, long taxi ride, unpacking, shopping etc., etc., etc. And this time the weather was unseasonably hot, much too hot for my comfort, and no AC anywhere. It was not an easy few first days, but ever since has gotten easier by the day, and brought me wonderful new lessons about myself and what I am capable of.



What has actually happened over the past few days, is the dispelling of age old myths about myself and my abilities, and exposing them for what they are: completely untrue (I am sickly, weak, lack energy, bad joints, poor feet which need special shoes, easily fatigued, weakened by the heat, etc ). In addition, I’ve finally gotten past a life long fear of the dark, especially being alone in the dark, which had been made even worse the past five years due to cataracts. The fear was so powerful, so overwhelming, that it was visceral – felt in my entire body, and simply paralyzed me. For years now, it has been difficult for me to see at night, and here in India, where there are no street lights in most places, making the dark total, I have not ventured out of my home area after around 4 in the afternoon, ever, being afraid of being caught out once the dark set in. It was extremely confining, and definitely frustrating and annoying.



I’ve come back to India after two successful cataract surgeries…I see better than I have my entire life (been wearing eyeglasses since the age of ten-which I no longer need), and decided, among other things, to check out the night fear.
So, over the past few days just about all of the above has been tested, and passed with flying colors. I am nothing like what I’ve been led to believe my whole life….I can do ANYTHING…anything I want to do, anything I choose to do, anything I need to do, even if it is difficult or demanding…and do it well and with nothing worse than a headache or tiredness at the end.
I went walking in the heat of the day, much further than I ever allowed myself in the past, wearing nothing but flip-flops (no special, expensive shoes or sandals for bad feet, knees, hips, back), did all this despite a headachy feeling in the morning (which would normally keep me home, resting the whole day), and had a marvelous day out. My headache actually went away DURING all this…
And then yesterday, decided to go out after 4, and just enjoy! Which I did. No fear, no problem with the dark, (flashlight on my phone was all I needed for the dark mountain roads) and a glorious feeling of being FREE AT LAST to do what I want, when I want!!



Now this all might simple boring and no big deal to most of you reading this, but believe me, these are things which I have given myself several huge medals for for outstanding achievement! I haven’t felt this pleased and proud of myself in a very long time, and look forward to whatever the rest of this journey holds in store for me!

with full Acceptance, Joy, Gratitude and FREEDOM FROM FEAR!

…and just for fun…this is a shot of the very limited view from my room, through the other guesthouses which block it, of the Ganga at night


with love light and JOY



The Journey Home-Beginning the Final Countdown- Dec 15 2013

December 15, 2013

“…your outer life soon reflects your inner peacefulness…”



Every sojourn in India has its own personality. Its own distinct way of effecting my life. And always seems to address the most pressing issues of the moment in the most direct and efficient way. With messages, AHA moments during meditations, insights, even books “sent my way”., has

And of course this journey is no different.

I’ve come as close to a silent, solitary retreat as I feel comfortable with but its impact has been powerful as well as empowering.

I have done little blog posting, have had little interaction with others here (almost 100% less than on a usual sojourn), find the company of others extremely intrusive, have done no Reiki workshops or sessions, and despite the varied and ease of communication these days, have had little contact with friends and loves ones as well. Posting photos easily and on several different networks, has been my biggest form of communication this trip, and that requires very little true interaction. It is definitely a silent form of communication, very rarely requiring words.

But I have been talking to me, to God, to my guides, to the Angels, to the Universe incessantly and many profoundly deep insights about “how” I have been up until now in my life have surfaced. The myths I had been programmed to believe, and DID believe about myself, my perceptions about my abilities and limitations and my interpretations of these ideas…they all seem to finally be collapsing and opening the way for new, better and healthier ways of moving forward in my life.

I have been guided to question, and then understand so much of my previous self-sabotaging behavior and habits-things I accepted totally as “who I am”, without question. This process began slowly before I even left for India, but would have taken much longer to reach the stage it has (if at all) if I had not had these past two months to myself.

The insights are deep, end intimidating. I continue to pray daily for Freedom from Fear and complete Faith as I move forward, determined to make essential changes on both the conscious and subsonscious levels (easier said than done…our subconscious programming from childhood runs so deep). And I pray as well that my sincere intentions, efforts and focus will bring about much needed change in several critical areas of my life.

As I wind down my time here and get ready to joyfully return to my “other” reality, I am determined to succeedin having things “work” differently, and better, than ever before in my life.

….notes from the card chosen in preparation for my return home:

SHANTI:….through breath and intention you can stay centered no matter what’s happening in your life. This inner foundation of peace has a powerful healing effect. Your outer life soon reflects your inner peacefulness…


with love light and JOY

India Lesson 2012 FINALLY – Nov. 9, 2012

November 10, 2012

India Lesson 2012  FINALLY – Nov. 9, 2012

I figured it out actually while writing THIS post…so you will have to bear with me until it gets put down in words here…as it happened!

Butterfly on the way to the Clinic

Don’ know if this will ever get posted.  No internet for a few days which is definitely a blessing in disguise for sure.  I am still in my “healing crisis”-taking longer than I had planned on-or what the doctor refers to as: “strong reaction to panchakarma” .

So I am being forced to eat very lightly-my stomach wont’ tolerate much more yet, and resting. Don’t have energy for much else and it is very frustrating.  There is so much I need (or want) to do these last couple of weeks and being forced to stay up in and around my room is annoying and boring…especially without internet!!

Coming Down from my Room

I am now sitting at the lovely new Pundir restaurant where I ordered a fruit salad.  Just anything not to have to go right back to the room.  And to my great surprise, they just put in free WIFI! And luckily I have my new phone which I can actually use with WIFI- not much good for writing, but at least I can check emails and FB.  Which I just did…and what did I find there?

A message from Eckhart Tohl which was exactly what I needed to see as I sit here writing about how frustrating and annoying this forced rest is for me!

“Surrender is the simple but profound wisdom of yielding to, rather than opposing, the flow of life”.

This is THE lesson I was meant to learn here this year.  I must now find the way to put it into practice both here and when I get home.

I’ve been confronting the need to rest versus the need to “make the most” of my last 2 weeks here.  Frustrated that I can’t be out and about and not truly allowing myself to relax into resting. Even though I spend all day up at my room-“resting”.

If the rest is only physical, it is not rest at all.

I have a big lesson to put into practice when I get home and the practice begins now.

No matter how it effects all those loving and dear ones around me…what they expect of me-how they expect me to feel-or what may disappoint them regarding how I come back from India, is truly not my concern.

Only being “true to myself” is what needs to concern me at this time.

This of course includes the lesson of living in complete Faith and Freedom from Fear-knowing that all is as it should be, and is good.

Experiencing ALL in complete acceptance, joy and gratitude and of course, Freedom from Fear.

And now that I have figured it out….I already feel better! More at peace, enjoying this time alone, playing games, doing my needlepoint, reading, listening to music, even dancing some folkdancing in my room – and not thinking about what I “cannot” do, but about all the pleasures of what I CAN do.

And to really make my day…as I started heading back up to my room…I heard my name called from across the street….and when I looked…to my great joy and total surprise, it was Akhilesh!!

And who is Akhilesh you may ask?  Well, that is a story for another post…hopefully tomorrow…or of course whenever these begin to get posted.

Namaste from Rishikesh

December 20, 2009 – Chill Factor Check

December 20, 2009

December 20, 2009 – Chill Factor Check

Last year I did some experimenting with my sensitivity to being out in the heat and found that with proper intention, I could stay out much longer than I always believed I could, and aside from being uncomfortable, like everyone else, had no ill effects afterwards. This was a big dispersing of a myth about myself and my limitations and very freeing.
So this week, I decided to do the same experiment with the “chill factor”. I always dress to keep myself thoroughly warm at all times, and don’t mind wearing layers of clothing, as long as I feel warm. I don’t like feeling cold at all and find myself getting tense and stressed if I am cold, and of course always worrying that it will be “bad” for my arthritis.
However, when I leave in the morning for my treatments, or for an early ganga breakfast, it is VERY cold and windy, and I am in numerous layers of clothing. The problem is, by the time I come back, the weather is glorious and warmer, and then I have to carry all this stuff, and because there is so much of it, I wind up leaving some of the layers on, and then I am completely overheated and find it difficult getting back up the hills to my room.
So, yesterday, I went out without a shawl and jmy winter jacket, but still with lots of layers. I was cold going down, but nothing unbearable, and in a way it was even pleasant feeling the cold air penetrating my clothing. And it lasted all together, about 10 minutes….when I had to go home, I removed two more layers and put them in my bag, and tied my sweatshirt around my waist, and was SO comfortable going home, feeling the fresh air penetrating through to my body…it was lovely.
So, today I wore one additional layer less…and it was REALLY chilly going down, but again, only 10 minutes worth, and now I have that much less to carry back with me…
I also finished 28 days of panchakarma today, the point where I would normally be finished with the whole process, but now I have two weeks left and am very pleased with my decision to do the 6 weeks.
More later…or not….just posting this as is….


December 19, 2009 – India Brings Me New Insights

December 19, 2009

This post is not truly about my India journey, but I feel it deserves at least a link here as much of what is written about in the post, I believe, is made possible BECAUSE of my being in India. My stays in India give me exciting opportunities for personal growth and insights, making my journey inward that much more productive than it would be if I did not spend this introspective time alone in India…so here is the link for those interested to a post entitled: Dreams and Messages, Tarot Cards and Understandings


December 17, 2009 – Angel Medicine, Crystal-Clear Intentions About My Soulmate, Sunlight and Messages

December 18, 2009

December 17, 2009 – Angel Medicine, Crystal-Clear Intentions About my Soulmate, Sunlight and Messages


Reading the Angel Medicine book is proving to be a very powerful awakening for one of many things that I know deep inside but never connected with previously. In addition, I am receiving strong confirmations for my routine daily practices and healing “techniques” which I have come to practice by following guidance from my guides, angels and ascended masters over the years.
The more I am cleansed by the panchakarma, the more room there is for personal growth on deeper levels than ever before.
The book has written about the effects of sunlight and this connects up with what I learned so many years ago in Soul Love…of the sun being the soul of the universe and the immense power of sunlight in helping us connect, and stay connected with our soul’s needs. It also speaks of the importance for Read the rest of this entry »

December 9, 2009 –Chickpeas in No Time!- and Neighbors and Friends

December 10, 2009

December 9, 2009 –Chickpeas in No Time!- and Neighbors and Friends

Well, I woke up to a very cold dreary morning and was wondering how I would manage my massage today without sun in the sun room. I dressed up warm, although, among many other thins (I am less afraid of buzzing bees near me and stray dogs), I am no longer hung up on the issue of carrying around tons of extra clothing in case I am cold. Have actually found that being a little less snug and warm can be nice as the feel of the cool air through my clothes is actually quite pleasant. So I am able to wear less in the very cold morning hours, meaning I have less to shlep around during the rest of the day when it warms up.
So, I went down this morning and had my nice wheat porridge, and while I was eating, the sun began to shine through the cloud layer, at least enough to warm up a sun room through the glass windows. I had a lovely warm Read the rest of this entry »

Tragedy no Longer

November 26, 2009

The last picture of Ben, taken just 2 weeks ago:

Sorry for the post yesterday…I was so shocked I didn’t realize what I was doing. After sitting with another good friend until late last night, and speaking about Ben with each other for hours, we both understood that although WE are terribly sad and still find it hard to believe that we will no longer see Ben or hear his laughter or silly jokes, Ben is probably very happy and even pleased with himself! First of all, his wife, Mary Cruz was killed just 2 years ago in Mexico in the same way. Instead of a motorbike, she was riding a bicycle, but was also hit by a truck and killed. He missed her terribly and spoke to me about her often and his great love for her, and so now I know they are together and that is lovely.
In addition, for the past 1 1/2 years he has been speaking about his fear of biking in India. He has biked for years all over the world but could not get over his fear of getting on a bike in India. If you remember, we were supposed to take a bike ride to MUssoorie but it did not work out in the end. Well, just yesterday morning, I saw him sitting at a nearby guesthouse and went over to say good morning on my way down to panchakarma. I hadn’t seen him in several days, and he had just celebrated his 44th birthday two days before. Well, he wasw all excited, like a little kid, and extremely proud of himself when he told me he had finally rented a bike and made the trip up and back to mussoorie. He was so excited that he had finally overcome this fear and couldn’t stop smiling. He showed me the bike and said he could now think of returning it as he had done what he needed to do.
And then he went into rishikesh, with another guy on the back, and was hit by a truck. The other guy just has a nasty cut on his leg!
It was a difficult afternoon, but I am doing well now, and there are so many people who know Ben here, that it is just nice to be able reminisce and everyone only remembers wonderful things about him (even though he could be a real pain in the ass sometimes). On his birthday, he went downtown and distributed school supplies to needy children. Even got written up in the paper with his picture which I’m sure made him also very happy.
He lived his life fully, with very few regrets and did just about everything he felt he wanted to do…so he was blessed
I’ll miss him but I’m happy for him
And this is of course, an extremely powerful lesson in why each and every day is so important…why we must live each day to the fullest, not go to sleep at night without expressing our gratitude for all the blessings of the day, making sure to say all it is we need to say to loved ones and friends…not to go to sleep regretting not having done something that day…and of course to give thanks as well when we wake up again to another wonderful new day.


November 13, 2009 – Varanassi Part II – Train Journey and Arrival

November 20, 2009

November 13, 2009 – Varanassi Part II – Train Journey and Arrival

sunset concert

I had considered not writing about my train journey to Varanassi figuring nothing interesting could happen. But I am enjoying this trip so much I have to find words to express my gratitude for this newfound peace and total acceptance in joy of everything I do.
We easily arrived at the station in Haridwar about 45 minutes before the train pulled in. Ate sandwiches in the first class waiting room and when we boarded the train a lovely older Indian couple were eating their dinner on the lower berths. It took us a full 45 minutes to get ourselves settled in but by the time the train left the station we were comfortably in our berths up above.
Other people had taken up the extra space for luggage in the cabin but with the help of the Indian gentleman we got everything safely chained up and out of the way.
I changed into comfortable sleeping clothes (the train left Hairdwar at 8:30 in the evening) and except for 2 bathroom trips slept very well until the couple woke us at 8 am to say goodbye at Lucknow where they got off. They urged us to move down before someone else occupied the lower berths they had just vacated. And we did.
I went to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, fixed my hair, creamed my face and then came back to the berth which we now occupied alone, and
Read the rest of this entry »

Nov. 12-18 Varanassi – The Ultimate Indian Experience – Part I

November 19, 2009

Varanassi – The Ultimate Indian Experience – Part I

Sunrise on a Rainy Morning in Varanassi

Before recounting the actual journey and stay in Varanassi, let me just say that Varanassi encompasses everything that is India, at is utmost beautiful and at its most horrible. If you think of everything you have ever heard said about how terrible it is in India, and everything you have ever heard about how wonderful it is in India, and put them all together in one place, that place is Varanassi. It is India at its worst and most magnificent. It is true dichotomy on all levels.

It has left all my senses bruised and raw and painful, and not just my
physical senses of sight, smell, hearing, touch and taste. But my sense of compassion, humility, decency, acceptance, understanding, revulsion, pity, piety, anger, justice, proportion, disgust, wonder, amazement, sympathy, decency, divinity, purity, abhorrence, delight. And so much more…words are completely inadequate to recount this experience in its entirety. Hopefully the pictures and videos will also be of assistance in translating this journey into a language that does even minimal justice to what it truly was.

Varanassi is, first and foremost , one of the most sacred places on Earth, the oldest, continually inhabited city in the world. But for me,

Read the rest of this entry »

%d bloggers like this: