October 8, 2015

….and this is something which challenges me each and every time anew during my time in India.

with full Acceptance, Joy, Gratitude and FREEDOM FROM FEAR!
life begins at the end

Less than two weeks have gone by and I’ve already received my first insights and wonderful, blessed understandings of what I am truly capable of, with complete Freedom for Fear in all new aspects of my life.
This has been an interesting almost two weeks…the time it usually takes me to acclimate to my home here in Rishikesh, to settle down energy wise, to regain my balance and of course recuperate from flying, long taxi ride, unpacking, shopping etc., etc., etc. And this time the weather was unseasonably hot, much too hot for my comfort, and no AC anywhere. It was not an easy few first days, but ever since has gotten easier by the day, and brought me wonderful new lessons about myself and what I am capable of.



What has actually happened over the past few days, is the dispelling of age old myths about myself and my abilities, and exposing them for what they are: completely untrue (I am sickly, weak, lack energy, bad joints, poor feet which need special shoes, easily fatigued, weakened by the heat, etc ). In addition, I’ve finally gotten past a life long fear of the dark, especially being alone in the dark, which had been made even worse the past five years due to cataracts. The fear was so powerful, so overwhelming, that it was visceral – felt in my entire body, and simply paralyzed me. For years now, it has been difficult for me to see at night, and here in India, where there are no street lights in most places, making the dark total, I have not ventured out of my home area after around 4 in the afternoon, ever, being afraid of being caught out once the dark set in. It was extremely confining, and definitely frustrating and annoying.



I’ve come back to India after two successful cataract surgeries…I see better than I have my entire life (been wearing eyeglasses since the age of ten-which I no longer need), and decided, among other things, to check out the night fear.
So, over the past few days just about all of the above has been tested, and passed with flying colors. I am nothing like what I’ve been led to believe my whole life….I can do ANYTHING…anything I want to do, anything I choose to do, anything I need to do, even if it is difficult or demanding…and do it well and with nothing worse than a headache or tiredness at the end.
I went walking in the heat of the day, much further than I ever allowed myself in the past, wearing nothing but flip-flops (no special, expensive shoes or sandals for bad feet, knees, hips, back), did all this despite a headachy feeling in the morning (which would normally keep me home, resting the whole day), and had a marvelous day out. My headache actually went away DURING all this…
And then yesterday, decided to go out after 4, and just enjoy! Which I did. No fear, no problem with the dark, (flashlight on my phone was all I needed for the dark mountain roads) and a glorious feeling of being FREE AT LAST to do what I want, when I want!!



Now this all might simple boring and no big deal to most of you reading this, but believe me, these are things which I have given myself several huge medals for for outstanding achievement! I haven’t felt this pleased and proud of myself in a very long time, and look forward to whatever the rest of this journey holds in store for me!

with full Acceptance, Joy, Gratitude and FREEDOM FROM FEAR!

…and just for fun…this is a shot of the very limited view from my room, through the other guesthouses which block it, of the Ganga at night


with love light and JOY



Life is a Twisting Road

April 20, 2014

Message from My Morning Meditation

laxman waterfall04

The photos in this post are all roads which I have walked in India. There were of course many more.


My life is a twisted turning road and I never know what awaits me around the next bend.  But I travel this road in complete Freedom from Fear for I know without a doubt, with complete Faith in God and His loving Universe, that another wonderful exciting and beautiful surprise is waiting for me once I get around the curve.


It may be a sharp and unexpected turn and I will have to navigate it carefully and slowly,  but once I get past it, a whole new and wonderful vista appears before me once again.

waterfall (9)

I am truly blessed to have found this road of liberation and joy and love.  God is the engineer and Master builder and administrator of this road, and He has graciously given me, and everyone, free access to it. We just have to be willing to take the first step into the unknown with  Freedom from Fear, and complete acceptance and Faith in what lies ahead.

laxman waterfall06
waterfall (9)



India Lesson 2012 FINALLY – Nov. 9, 2012

November 10, 2012

India Lesson 2012  FINALLY – Nov. 9, 2012

I figured it out actually while writing THIS post…so you will have to bear with me until it gets put down in words here…as it happened!

Butterfly on the way to the Clinic

Don’ know if this will ever get posted.  No internet for a few days which is definitely a blessing in disguise for sure.  I am still in my “healing crisis”-taking longer than I had planned on-or what the doctor refers to as: “strong reaction to panchakarma” .

So I am being forced to eat very lightly-my stomach wont’ tolerate much more yet, and resting. Don’t have energy for much else and it is very frustrating.  There is so much I need (or want) to do these last couple of weeks and being forced to stay up in and around my room is annoying and boring…especially without internet!!

Coming Down from my Room

I am now sitting at the lovely new Pundir restaurant where I ordered a fruit salad.  Just anything not to have to go right back to the room.  And to my great surprise, they just put in free WIFI! And luckily I have my new phone which I can actually use with WIFI- not much good for writing, but at least I can check emails and FB.  Which I just did…and what did I find there?

A message from Eckhart Tohl which was exactly what I needed to see as I sit here writing about how frustrating and annoying this forced rest is for me!

“Surrender is the simple but profound wisdom of yielding to, rather than opposing, the flow of life”.

This is THE lesson I was meant to learn here this year.  I must now find the way to put it into practice both here and when I get home.

I’ve been confronting the need to rest versus the need to “make the most” of my last 2 weeks here.  Frustrated that I can’t be out and about and not truly allowing myself to relax into resting. Even though I spend all day up at my room-“resting”.

If the rest is only physical, it is not rest at all.

I have a big lesson to put into practice when I get home and the practice begins now.

No matter how it effects all those loving and dear ones around me…what they expect of me-how they expect me to feel-or what may disappoint them regarding how I come back from India, is truly not my concern.

Only being “true to myself” is what needs to concern me at this time.

This of course includes the lesson of living in complete Faith and Freedom from Fear-knowing that all is as it should be, and is good.

Experiencing ALL in complete acceptance, joy and gratitude and of course, Freedom from Fear.

And now that I have figured it out….I already feel better! More at peace, enjoying this time alone, playing games, doing my needlepoint, reading, listening to music, even dancing some folkdancing in my room – and not thinking about what I “cannot” do, but about all the pleasures of what I CAN do.

And to really make my day…as I started heading back up to my room…I heard my name called from across the street….and when I looked…to my great joy and total surprise, it was Akhilesh!!

And who is Akhilesh you may ask?  Well, that is a story for another post…hopefully tomorrow…or of course whenever these begin to get posted.

Namaste from Rishikesh

Ambivalent Feelings- Hidden Blessings – Nov 5 2012

November 5, 2012

Ambivalent Feelings – Hidden Blessings

Sitting in the new Pundir Restaurant  I mentioned in one of my first posts this year. (Read more about this lovely shop and its lovely owners here:

New Restaurant at Pundir Shop

With a view of the Ganga through the trees, gentle morning sun warming me and a cool breeze keeping me comfortable.

I have ordered my toasted brown bread and hot milk and have brought with me from home my spice blend and some jaggary for the milk, and my lovely jam for the buttered toast.

This was actually taken yesterday morning up by my room-but you get the idea!

I am after a water enema, and a long nite of strange dreams. This is a yearly occurrence during the late stages of panchakarma – cleansing on deep levels.  I am quite tired however, and don’t feel like moving, but quite at peace. Sometimes this deep cleansing brings up difficult issues, crying, sadness, pain, anger etc., but this time it is bringing up just deep understandings of the need for new direction, new perspectives,  and new ways of seeing the next phase in my life.  This of course all requires change, and that of course is always difficult.  But the feelings are good ones, even a sense of excitement about what awaits me just around the corner. 

It is a time for complete acceptance, for surrender, with no expectations, in joy, gratitude and freedom from fear!

I am enjoying these last days of my treatments and looking forward to the last 10 days which will remain afterwards as “vacation” time before heading home.

Mixed feelings flood me at this time…wanting to be two places at the same time.

Embracing my last days of “aloneness” together with the joy of knowing I will soon be in the arms of my dear loving partner.

Ambivalence is probably the best word for the way I feel at the moment.

My time here is too short this trip, and yet I don’t believe I could have stayed away from my love for any longer!

Being limited by technical bureaucratic reasons in the amount of time I could stay in India this year (a mere 6 weeks compared to my usual 4-6 months) , something which initially was very difficult for me to accept, has turned out to be just one more blessing from above.

And I thank God and the Universe for once again, as always, taking care of me and my needs in the best possible way!

I am truly blessed

Leaves hanging over entrance to new restaurant, originally strung during puja ceremony before entering new home or business

Namaste from Rishikesh


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