January 15, 2011 – Cleansing Rain and Tears

January 15, 2011 – Cleansing Rain and Tears

Last Night Before the Rain

Raining, hailing, windy, but the electricity is still working so I am quite content.  I have plenty of supplies for cooking, my internet connection, and this will be a wonderful day to rest.  I am feeling actually HAPPY that it is raining, and this is really something new for me.  I am finding it actually beautiful…just sitting at my window looking out on the really heavy rain falling outside…the sounds of the rain and hail on the roof and windows and rofftop…looks like it will be a wonderful day, once again!

Cleansing Rain

Just finished eating a nasty day breakfast including my special “sort of” cheese tomato omelette, a toasted brown roll (ordered from downstairs) with ghee and masala chai (also ordered from downstairs).  What could be better.

Something I haven’t written about this trip, but want to mention is the great joy I get from my music here in India.

I have an enormous collection of very varied genres, and right now for example, had the urge for classical music, now playing in my room, full volume on my speakers.  This is something I get great pleasure from, but since I don’t live alone, am limited to the amount of time I can listen to music, limited to the type of music I listen to and of course to the volume!  It is just another special treat for me here alone in my room in India and one I am most grateful for.

Seems like today will be a day for music, reading, maybe some computer games, meditation, yoga, good food, and later perhaps even a hour of dancing.  Last night I watched a movie, so don’t think I will do that again today, but you never know!

Sitting here reading and listening to lovely music when all of a sudden, …

Rain of Tears..

As this is extremely personal, I will not be posting full details either here or on my other blog, but will just write that reading a passage in a book talking about the heroine’s mother dying, and her understanding that “now she is the child and I am the Mother”…precipitated a powerful cleansing and healing in me.  I cried tears from the depth of my being…something which I have not done until now, deep, sobbing cries, so loud I’m sure the people in the next room heard me, and at the same time, powerful insights and understandings. These involved anger, guilt and asking for forgiveness mainly. I will not write the details here but my Mother was actually here in the room with me, and I heard her voice speaking to me and giving me the exact words I needed to help me move past the place I was stuck in regarding her passing….

Another great blessing…

Namaste

Jane

January 6, 2011 – Food for Thought, Understanding Loss Further and Cleaning Day

January 6, 2011 – Food for Thought, Understanding Loss Further and Cleaning Day

Nice and Clean

I am reading a book right now “The Active Side of Infinity “ by Carlos Cataneda.  It is not a novel perse, but more an autobiography of his years as an apprentice to the shaman Don Juan.  There are fascinating insights into the workings of the human mind in this book…not an easy book to reade as it holds up a very real mirror, not quite complimentary, for us to look in.

One quote which struck me this morning, I’d like to share with you:

“…it is our cognition, which is in essence an interpretation system, that curtails our resources. Our interpretation system is what tells us what the parameters of our possibilities are, and since we have been using that system of interpretation all ourlives, we cnnot possibly dare to go against its dictums”…pp. 199

Think about it…powerful stuff!!

For me, today was cleaning day, and I always feel good about everything being back to clean and sparkling in my room.  It works on more than the physical level, believe me.  It is still quite chilly but the sun is shining and I am enjoying the rooftop immensely after my day out and about at the market and friends yesterday.

Nothing further today…am taking a day off from “others”…and going deep inside.  If you are interested, you can see the post on my other blog dealing with my “work” which I began today entitled: “Understanding Loss – Part 3 – An Exercise in Remembering, Forgiving and Release”  at this link:

http://mindfulnessjournal.wordpress.com/2011/01/06/understanding-loss-%E2%80%93-part-3-%E2%80%93-an-exercise-in-remembering-forgiving-and-release/

Namaste

Jane

 

1-1-11 Happy New Years

1-1-11 Happy New Years

I don’t know what it means, but you can’t help noticing the date!

And after the last two days of 2010 ending rainy and dreary, what better way to begin 2011 than sitting out on my rooftop in the glorious sunshine eating homemade cinnamon/apple porridge with raisins and almonds. I am so blessed!

After 2 days of no sun, almost no electricity (meaning no heat in the room) and a generally down feeling (this type of weather has a very bad effect on me emotionally) – towards late afternoon the heavens cleared and all was well.
I was invited to a party by the “big boss” and went – and to my great surprise, enjoyed myself!

I began releasing the joy hiding inside for so long – laughed, joked, some other tourist man even flirted with me, and at the end we all got up to dance around the campfire.

At exactly midnight we cut the cake (the best thing about it was the way it looked!) and although there were no marshmellows, it was still a lovely party.

The only reason I initially went was because my friend convinced me it would be nice, so here are a few more pictures of him…he did a great healing service to me!

He helped my inner child begin to emerge once again, after she has been working hard to surface for a long time. This was a perfect beginning to the New Year.

I am now sitting along the Ganga, waiting for my lunch and so at peace! It is exactly two weeks since I arrived and for today at least, all is right with my world (except for the fact that my Mother won’t be reading this – but I feel at this moment that she knows and is happily smiling down at me!)

Happy New Year
Jane

December 31, 2010 – Understanding Loss Part 2

December 31, 2010 – Understanding Loss Part 2

green mountains after cleansing rain

 

 

It is another cloudy, dreary, rainy day, but just as the rain has cleared away the dusty air and revealed the true beauty of the mountains once again, brought clarity back their lush green colors, so I have been blessed with further inner cleansing and new clarity.  The process continues to occupy most of my time, and the overcast weather makes it easier for me to “be still” near my room rather than roaming about.

I woke up once more very early this morning after a powerful dream sequence, with new and deeper understandings which will once more be posted on the other blog for those of you interested.

http://mindfulnessjournal.wordpress.com/2010/12/31/december-31-2010-%E2%80%93-india-%E2%80%93-understanding-loss-part-2/

I have not yet seen the end of the “phone story”, but am hopeful that the issue will be resolved today or tomorrow (assuming they don’t tell me it is again a holiday, New Years!).

I think today I will treat myself to a meal or two outside, without cooking.  This is the great pleasure of being here.  I can do this whenever I don’t feel like cooking (and shopping and cleaning up etc) and not have to worry about the cost.  So eat out it will probably be today, although because of the weather, I will be limited in choice of places to eat.  There are also many electricity cuts meaning it is not really any warmer in my room, since I cannot use my heater, than it is in the restaurants, so it really doesn’t make much of a difference if I eat “out” or order room service.  (I actually can always fill my hot water bottle and keep it on my lap…a lovely, and cheap way of keeping warm actually).

If anything interesting happens, I promise to write, but for now, this is the boring entry for another lovely day which is just unfolding its beauty and surprises. (It is now 10 AM).

December 30, 2010 – Silent Retreat?

December 30, 2010 – Silent Retreat?

It is now my prayer and meditation time but for some reason I just had to sit down and write.  So I will let this go where it may and see if it is fit for sharing.  I have been sleeping well , better than usual even at home, but have been having very strange dreams.  Always waking up at the end of a dream, falling right back to sleep and beginning a new dream.  Like watching an endless series of TV programs one after the other – and not remembering a single one of them in the morning!  Last night, I again had a series of dreams, but each one was connected to the previous one in some way, and although I have been awake for a couple of hours doing Reiki to myself and contemplating things, I can still vividly remember the dreams, and the people in them and the essence of their content.  Many issues came up involving many stages of my life and many different people and I will be writing these down else ware, but I have been able to put together a general understanding of the things which were released, but haven’t yet figured out where they are meant to take me – perhaps later on during meditation.

What has been going on since I arrived is that I am without a phone, for various reasons beyond my control – once this issue is resolved, I will write up the story.

But I truly believe this delay in my having phone contact is part of the Divine plan for this trip.  IT is the closest I have been to a silent retreat since I actually did one a couple of years ago, with powerful results.  Even internet chatting and skype have delivered very meager results over the almost 2 weeks I have been here.  I usually “speak” to people every day, and so far, I have had one chat with a friend and spoken to 3 of my children on skype last Saturday.  The people I meet up with here are for very simple conversations about where they are from, what they are doing here, etc…and even the friend who is still here provides nothing more than interesting conversations on life in general or photography tips.

I have had no one to really talk to in over 10 days, and this has, obviously, pulled me way inside.  The way India was for me the first few times I came before so much internet usage and cellphones being available.  Really and truly being just “with me”.  So when I woke up this morning, I kind of thought, perhaps I won’t pursue the phone issue at all, and remain in retreat for awhile longer.  IT is not easy, believe me, as I so often feel like “touching” someone at home, and am not able to.

I feel so out of touch with the important issues playing themselves out right now with my family, and yet perhaps this is good.  One of the issues which came up in the dreams, was my always wanting, needing to be in the thick of things…always feeling left out if I didn’t know EVERYTHING that was happening and being part of it in someway.  I remember my mother saying to me often, as a child, when I would complain about having to be somewhere other than where the “action” was – studying or whatever it was I had to do in my room or somewhere else – “What’s the problem?  Why are you complaining? Afraid you’re gonna miss something?”  I remember this being almost a challenge to me – because YES – I DID feel like I was going to miss something and it was very insulting to me to be left out. Growing up I was always the social outsider, so wanted to at least feel included in family affairs.

 

Well, wonder of wonders – I still have the same problem today and it crops up more often than I care to admit.

To this day, I am not the most socially adept person, preferring small intimate settings to large “party” type things. And so it still comes down to my big social setting being that of family, and, the need to be included in all things.

Although I tell myself that I go to India to purposely get myself “away” from things so that I can once again move forward in my own inward journey, I still have this need to “know” everything that is going on and in some way feel involved.

So, is the lack of a telephone a message to me to get past this issue?

I know I will do my best to work out the phone problem and get it working, but will give all of the above serious consideration, and try to work it through.

OK…back to my morning stuff….

Need to still write about my motorcycle chauffeur service, my being my own chef once again, and beginning panchakarma in a few days. But that will wait for now.

December 27, 2010-Understanding Loss

December 27, 2010-Understanding Loss

This will be a short post, in more of a personal nature, and if you are interested in the full story you will have to read it on my Mindfulness Journal Blog as it is certainly more appropriate there.

http://mindfulnessjournal.wordpress.com/2010/12/27/understanding-loss-india-december-2010/

Every trip to India has a definite purpose in my life, but I am never aware of what the purpose of each journey is until sometime into my actual sojourn in India. There have been years when it has taken me months to understand the purpose and move forward with it but it generally doesn’t take that long. This time, it has taken just over one week!

This was the first time I ever found it hard to “go off” to India…my brain was telling me that it is a bad time to go, for many reasons…most of them family reasons – with so much going on with so many people at home, needing me, needing my presence, my support, why on earth was I going off on a selfish trip to India at this time? But my HEART was telling me “just go and stop think so much”. As I have become very good at listening to my inner wisdom, I packed up and headed off, with what could be called a “heavy heart”. And since arriving here I have been at loose ends…not really knowing why I am here right now instead of “there” (“where I SHOULD be”).
It is not that I have been miserable here, far from it, but certainly not the overwhelming feeling of contentment and well-being I usually feel. And it has made each day difficult for me…thinking I have made a mistake this time by coming.
I must admit that I also had expectations as to the purpose of this visit, something I try to avoid at all costs…and this had also put me in a position of “waiting” for what was “supposed” to happen. Always a bad thing.!
So, this morning, during a deep meditation and prayer session, the answers came flooding through to me, bringing me a deep sense of joy and relief, and I now sit out on my rooftop, with the wonderful winter sun warming me through and through, grateful, at peace and smiling for joy, knowing that I have made no mistake by coming here.
For the full story of what I understood, and where it will hopefully take me on this journey, you’ll have to check out this link:

http://mindfulnessjournal.wordpress.com/2010/12/27/understanding-loss-india-december-2010/

Namaste
Joyful Jane